On day 2, things slightly changed. But I could sit in the same posture for about 10-15 minutes. I couldn't practise meditation due to weird thoughts. During group meditations, I would sometimes take a moment to look around at my fellow meditators. This was beneficial because it let me realise that they were suffering the same difficulties that I was. Many of them were also looking around, some were sitting with their heads in their hands, some were scratching their heads, some were clearly taking a break, and one had to be woken up by the course manager because his snoring was disturbing the other meditators. So I wasn't the only one who was going through hell here. My fellow meditators were struggling just as much as I was, if not more. This sense of humanity and not being alone in my misery was highly beneficial to me.
The same day, I had my first positive meditation experience. Concentration was somewhat effortless and I felt immersed in it. I wasn't completely lost in thought, complaining to myself, wondering when it would be over, or anxiously waiting for the gong to end the session. This time, I sat for almost 20 minutes, concentrating on my breath and the hairs inside my nose. Days 3 and 4 went almost the same as day 2.
On the afternoon of day 4, just as things were beginning to ease off, we were introduced to two new practices, one of which added an element of difficulty. We were taught the actual Vipassana technique and I enjoyed learning about it. However, the second practice - adhitthana or strong determination sittings. In other words, we were not permitted to shift our posture or open our eyes for one hour. This was much more difficult.
I got my first taste of adhitthana that evening, and it was brutal. After about thirty minutes, the pain really started setting in. My upper back and neck were killing me. I was shaking and trembling uncontrollably. The longer I sat there, the angrier I got: "What is this nonsense?! This is impossible. They just want to torture us! There's no way in hell the sixty minutes aren't over yet. OMG! I can't take this anymore. Fucking Goenka. This torture should be forbidden!"
The pain was excruciating, both physical and mental. Every part of me wanted to get up and leave, but I knew I had to stay. I had to find a way to calm my mind and get through this. But it was so difficult...after around forty-five minutes, I finally gave up and decided to go home, by lying that I'm not well. I went to the volunteers and asked them to allow me to go home. But unfortunately they didn’t allow it, instead they gave me a pain killer and told me to rest for a while. On day 5, I skipped the meditation and rested the whole day. (Wow what a good day it was.)
Nice experience.
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